She had to have emergency surgery two days prior because she had a tumor blocking her airways. She was not able to come out of sedation, nor breathe on her own. My dad called and said that the doctor wasn't hopeful that she would come out of it ever. She was too far gone.
We need to make the decision to take her off of life support, and ...let...her....go.
He seemed so sure that it was the right thing to do, so I wanted to support him. In the back of my head, I just wasn't sure. What if we kept her on life support, and she did come out of it? I couldn't let her go.
The whole recollection of which day was what is blurry. I cannot remember if it was at night that everyone was there to say goodbye, and the next day we waited for the doctor to take off her support.
I know that my aunt was there to see her and when she came back she just cried.
Then it was my turn to go and my cousin came with me. I didn't know it until later, but he said as I was holding onto him I was digging my nails into his back. I was trying to stay strong for my mom, and not cry.
I couldn't prepare myself to see her in what I knew was going to be a bad state, seeing how my aunt cried when she came back to the waiting room. I knew when I saw her hooked up to breathing tubes and tubes coming out of her nose and she could barely open her eyes that this is not what she wanted. I remembered then that she asked me a while back, to never let her be on life support.
We were watching a show, and there was someone on life support and she said, "I don't ever want to be like that, don't ever let me be hooked up to machines".
I second guessed myself of course later on that long day, what if now that she is here, she wants us to give her a chance? I still wonder. Did we do the right thing. Could she have lived?
When I went back to the waiting room I just sat and cried. My mama, my poor mama.
Every time I went sit with her and I talked to her she would open her eyes long enough to let a tear out.
It killed me that she so badly wanted to live, and I had no idea if she was hurting and crying because she was scared, or was she at peace? I hated that she felt that way, and for a really long time afterwards I just cried for her because of those last moments for her. It killed me that she had to go through that.
I constantly feel regret that I did not stay with her that night after they took of her life support. The doctor didn't come until after we had been there for nearly 9 hours, I had Eve who was just a little baby then and was at the end of her rope. So I felt I needed to go home at some point to put her to bed, but as I think now she would have been okay without me one night. My mama needed me for her last. I wish I had just curled up next to her and stayed with her until her last breath.
But instead she died alone.
The whole night as I lay in my bed trying to sleep I tossed and turned and thought about her and prayed for God to preform a miracle. I prayed so hard. When I finally fell asleep it was still dark but the birds were starting to wake, and what seemed like a few moments later I woke to the sound of my mothers voice saying " I'm ok, Liz".
I opened my eyes and it was light outside, I went downstairs to get breakfast and get dressed so we can go back to the hospital but then my dad called. He said the nurse called and said she passed an hour ago. Right around the time I had awoken to her voice. God didn't preform the miracle I was praying for, but a different one. I got to hear her voice one last time.
3 years feels like nothing,yet so much has happened since then, And so much more will continue to happen without her here. She visits me in my dreams, and I know she is with me in spirit. Mom, I will love you more still everyday as I appreciate more and more what you did for me growing up. And I am still learning from my memories of you how to be a better person.
Miss you bunches mommy.
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