She is Just to Sensitive

              This post has been on the edge of my mind for a while now. I try to type it up, but then I just think its not enough, I'm not explaining it right, and hit delete and walk away.
               It should be said. I need to write about it. Make sense of it. Make sense of me. I am a woman in progress. I am a tortured soul. I am trying to heal.
If someone like me, can in fact...heal.

           3 years ago I lost my mother. Its no secret, I talk about it often on here, and have mentioned it many times out loud. One thing I don't mention ever, is that a few months later, I lost my sister too.

           She wasn't my sister by blood. But I believe God intended us to be connected spiritually. We met when I was 16 and she was 13 and we connected instantly. Her family connected with me too, and it was like we had always known each other. We spent every single day together after school, and later on went to college together taking on the same classes and then spending time after classes just being together. We never grew tired of each other, WE NEVER ONCE FOUGHT.  In fact, I don't think we ever disagreed on anything.
             We had one of those quirky relationships were we could look at each other and have a conversation without moving our lips. it came in handy later on, when we would be approached by out siders. it was our special talent.
        Later as I was searching for answers and trying to find religion I belonged in, she started classes at a different college, and I went on and got married, and started having a family, we didn't spend everyday with each other anymore, but it never felt like we were apart.
        She was in Israel studying to be a better Jew, as she had found her religion during this period, when she sensed I was pregnant with my oldest. She called and told me she already knew, before I could plan a creative way to tell her.
       YES. It was like that. She later found her husband and got married, and I sensed something at her wedding, like something had severed our tie a bit. But I ignored it, she was happy, and I wanted her to be happy.
       Later on she and her husband were in Israel again, and we were only able to email each other when she could get to a library and when I could get to a library. One morning I awoke and the first thing that came to my mind was, she was pregnant. JOY!
                I didn't intend to go to the library that day but when I did to email her and confirm, she had already emailed me earlier, confirming.
       So one thing was, besides my mother, She was the only other person that I could completely let my guard down with. The only person that loved me unconditionally. I didn't need to prove anything to her, EVER.
       As she grew closer to her faith, and became to live a life so different then mine, she grew more distant from me. I felt things severing, but I continued to ignore them. I just kept grasping to her. When she was in the states, I tried to set up play dates. I tried to ignore the feeling that she was far away, even when she was in my house.
        Until one day, a few months after my mom had died, I couldn't ignore it anymore. I saw her brother post on facebook that he had a new niece. I didn't even know she was pregnant.

         Flash back to my teens and my twenties, whilst we were friends, I had other friends too. I was continuously hurt by most. I had guys I thought I could love or that could love me, most just used me for my kindness, as most of the friends had done and spit me out when they no longer needed me, or I became 'old news'.
                    I also learned that if you let people in, and you humble yourself before people, they will use your weakness against you.
          Over the years, I began to shield myself from new people, from people I only slightly new. I learned to guard myself from most everyone, except from my mom and from my 'sister'.
          At my mothers funeral I didn't cry. I sat with a stone face, a brave face, for everyone. I wanted to show no emotion, because I have learned that when you are vulnerable, people will hurt you. It wasn't until I sat by her casket at the graveyard and realized we were leaving her body there forever that i couldn't not hold the flood of tears back any longer. I knew her body was just a vessel, i knew she was standing beside my saying goodbye before her soul walked into the mist to the Heavens, but I couldn't help myself. Her being gone, was real.
            Then months later, as the few relatives and friends that showed concern for me dissipated and they went on back to their normally scheduled lives and I was left grieving and alone, I learned what I had feared, 'sister' was gone too.
              I don't think about her at all. I didn't grieve for her for long either. I forget she exists, except for when she left a message on my answering machine after Luke was born, and I angrily wondered how did she even know. It bothers me when people do things because they feel its the right thing to do, not because they want to. I deleted the message from the machine and my mind.
            I have deleted us from my mind. I have brought her back now, to write this out, to show to others why I chose to sit alone, or why I don't share, or cry or seem like a robot.

           I am not a snob. I do not think I  am better then you.
       I just can not bring myself to let my guard down, because I can not bring myself to hurt anymore for people.
        I feel everything, even in a room with many, i feel all of their emotions, i have always been that way.
        Maybe its Gods plan, using me to help others. But because of this, my feelings get hurt easily, my heart breaks at the slightest blow, and because of this I will not let my guard down.

          I have let ONE  person see me cry in the past 3 years since my moms funeral. ONE.  and its not who you would think, either.

          I have let myself cry for my sister one time after her passing. ONCE.

          So with this being said, I am not asking for pity, but simply to explain my reasons why I sit alone at church, why I make polite chit-chat but will often bolt if things get too personal.
       Why, if we start hanging out and you suddenly don't see me much anymore, chances are you said something that triggered a warning and I felt the need to retreat into my safe place. It probably was unintentional and not even significant, but alas, I am extra cautious for good reason.
          Its not that I enjoy being alone, Its that I feel like I just cant have it any other way. If the people who were supposed to love me the most, could hurt me so deep, or be taken away so quickly,  then I just cant imagine a life where anyone else could care for me without intentions to hurt me.
          sincerely,
            Hobbit Mommy