An emberassing day of the 'runs' with the guilt ridden mommy.

                       
                      The day started off normal. Well normal for a second. I had no inkling of a hint that today would be just as trying, hard and challenging as it was, until about thirty minutes in.
                      I woke up but kept my eyes shut. Luke my 19 month old baby who never sleeps, rolled over and pushed himself up into a sitting position. My first thought was "Dear Lord, when will he understand we don't wake up when its still dark!" and then I heard something, a very wet trumpet sounded from his diaper. This isn't good. Seconds later, the three year old princess starts to stir, obviously awoken by the wet trumpet sound and I ask her if she can go down stairs and get daddy.
              I am in no way changing this one.
              I attempt to go back to sleep but I am too awake, and hungry so I throw on my robe and go downstairs. Luke is running around naked and Eve is watching TV on the couch in a sleepy haze. I feel a pang of guilt for making her get up so that I didn't have to.
             Luke wants to cuddle so I sit down with him on my lap for a bit and spend a good ten minutes planting kisses on the back of his head. Eventually something peeked his interest and he got down, that is when I saw it. Gross wet poo right on my robe.
              It dawned on me then, that perhaps this was some tummy upset. I cleaned him up,put a diaper on him and get him dressed.
                                   After breakfast we took daddy to work and that is when it hit me, I had to go to the bathroom quickly. I put my foot to the peddle and the peddle to the metal and after unbuckling two car seats and ushering three kids quickly into the house I  ran to the bathroom and made it just in the nick of time.  Then I realized that there was no toilet paper.

                  We always make sure that we only use one twelve pack of toilet paper in a  two week period because of our tight budget. We usually are pretty good about this, but my husband had the man cold. and us women knows what that entails! So in the past four days he went through all of the toilet paper.
                   I looked around for something else, anything else, and I realize the only thing for me to use is a hand towel. I use the hand towel, and throw it away.
                    I hope for it to end and that this is the only time I am running to the bathroom today, but not only five minutes later, (after I am changing another poopy diaper from Luke) I run another hand towel.   Its then I realize that if I don't make it to the grocery store soon, im going to cost a small fortune in hand towels!

                 I broke it as gently to Eve as I could that we would not be able to attend preschool story time at the library today (she cried for five minutes straight in my arms, my shoulder was a wet mess) and then sat them down for their motivation before we go out. I will often read to them a scripture to help with whatever one of them might be going through. lately my oldest Talon, has been having a tough time following rules, and in result he is really encouraging the younger ones down a dark slippery path.
             I read Proverbs 10:17 He who heeds discipline shows the way to life,  but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.

              We talked about what it meant, and then I talked to them what we were doing and what I expected from them with their behavior. They all nodded in understanding, except for the baby. he played with his straps.
                 We drove 20 minutes to the library where I immediately ran to the bathroom. Afterwards we picked up a book Talon ordered, and picked out some books to read. I spent the entire time trying NOT to poop my pants. I still had to go grocery shopping for the week. Why didn't I just put it off until I felt better? Because we are on such a tight budget that we only have enough food in the house to last us exactly until Friday. If I don't go today, we don't eat tomorrow. Its just how it goes, no room for error....or sickness.
              Now let me pause a second to explain some things about my sweet Luke. Love this kid. He is a very transparent little guy. If he isn't happy, he lets us know it, if he is he lets us know it. He started screaming the minute his face hit the air from my womb, and he has not really stopped since. He has a temper. The past few months he has been showing his frustration by hitting. When he is mad at me, he will hit my square in the nose as hard as he can. He hits his daddy too.
              I am a believer that we should know and win our children's hearts. I think its very important that we do this before anything else. I do not spank, (only in very rare circumstances and its a last resort) and believe that children should be given the same grace, mercy and love that God gives us. They need direction, yes! But they also need forgiveness when they mess up because we all mess up, and wouldn't we want forgiveness too? Which leads me to explain what happened next....
           For months every time this cute little bugger would hit someone or me, I will take his hands gently and say "we give hugs and kisses, no hits. hitting hurts" He will usually hug or kiss us or his friend after that, but two minutes later he is hitting again.
          As we are leaving the library, I am lugging a heavy bag on each arm, and the kids are running down the concrete ramp. Luke cannot run well, but he cant do steps at all and will take a nasty tumble if he isn't holding someone's hand.
          Holding my keys, he decides to run away from me down the ramp, as I'm lugging the two heavy bags, my stat icky hair in my face and I'm desperately trying not to exert myself too much so I wont poop my pants, he runs up and down the ramp squealing with delight as he knows he's totally duking me. I am firmly telling him he will get hurt if he does not stop, but his brother is laughing and encouraging him to keep it up. As the panic of him getting hurt rises into my throat, the frustration is as well. And there's also the whole, I'm about to poop my pants bit too.
               Luke runs around a corner and out of my sight and I have no idea if he's about to fall off a the five foot ledge. I run after him to see he's okay, and I scoop down to pick him up telling him firmly, "we need to go now, luke" When he slams both hands (one which was holding my keys) as hard as he can into my face, knocking off my glasses and putting  a hurt on my nose and upper lip that brought stars to my eyes. Well, I did something next that I'm not proud of. I picked up my glasses (thankfully they were not broken) and I grabbed luke by his arm, and swatted his bottom for the first time, then the second and third. then holding him by his arm, facing out from me so he couldn't take another shot, I march down the ramp to my oldest, who had stopped laughing at this point, after realizing how serious things just got, I scold him for not practicing what we just read from the scripture.
             Luke is howling, not because he was hurt, but because I just stopped his fun. He was very very mad.  I put him in his car seat and he has stopped howling and switched to bugging me for a toy. This kid! I tell him that he cannot hit! Realizing that I just hit him, such a loser I am! He looks into my face and starts crying and it dawns on me that maybe he is getting old enough to hold himself accountable for what he had done/ he seemed truly sorry.
             I get into the drivers seat and look at my face in the rear view.  I am red above my lip and only a bit of blood coming from a small cut. I made it out okay. But I  feel terrible still that I swatted the baby on his butt and that I had to carry him that way.  This is definitely one of those days that I felt overwhelmed and out numbered!
             The rest of the day went okay, no more poopy diapers from Luke and I didn't poop my pants, so that is a plus. Now I just have to forgive myself for my complete mom-fail and let go of the mommy guilt I am feeling.
             Have you ever had a day like this? I have more good days then bad, but today is definitely a day I came out feeling like a loser.
                 with guilt,
                     Mother of Hobbits